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DATE: 18th January 2006
Rio's Diary- Wensday 18th Janwerry 2K6
Yes yes! Big up yourselfs! guess who'z back in da motherloving house?! Dats right! Itz me, Reo Furdnan, da don of peckum, man u and hingland main man! Hear me now! So watta gwarnin wid all me main mandemz out dere ina da man u massive? Has heverybody been keeping it real and flexing bare bum gal and ting?
Now some of you headz might not know da history of my diary. It started off when dat fergie guy and keaney made me do it so dat I could get more in touch wid da fanz and dat, whatever, yeah? I'm following in da footstepz of Brian "white chocolate" McClair who used to write his diary in da official man u magazine, but dat was bare time ago, before computerz and ting, ya get me?
Now me did used to do a diary on a da BBC, but not no more, innit? You know what da BBC is like, if dere is one ting dey hate more than northernerz, quality programming, poor peepz, shows widout johnaton ross, young peepz, old peepz and ghetto yout then it iz man u, ya get me? So dat iz why me dont write dere no more. whatever! it was proper robbish anyway, believe!
Me was chattin to ryan giggz bout it, cos man like giggz has played for man u for time! him tell me dat da reason da BBC hate united iz coz one time back in da day united was playing in a game and dey was proper robbish, and a man like alan hansen kept saying we was "diabolical," yeah? and even dez lynam was taking da mick and chattin macka bout ya united, trust! Now if theres one ting he hatez more dan southernerz, arsene wenger, rich peepz, maggie fatcher, young peepz, jonaton ross and having no chuddy then it iz scouserz like hansen and dat lawro mong.
So fergie and keano went down to da BBC studio where dem manz was chillin. Fergie sees Lynam and he says to him "Yo! why iz you talkin bare robbish bout united! You fink you're proper stush, yeah? but check dis- your 'gal' aint even a gal! Dat iz a man! Your bird iz a tranny, believe!" Then Hansen steps in, and him and fergie start talkin scottish to each other, then fergie gives him a glasgow kiss (dat meanz headbutt, it aint bwatty, like when john o'sh** offers you a waterford kiss!). Hansen goes down, claret everywhere, yeah? When you watch match of da day, check it, you can still see da metal plate in Hansen's head dat fergie made him need! So dat fergie guy dont talk to da BBC no more, and dey proper hate us!
Anyway yeah, whatever! A lot haz happened since i spoke to you last, so me got a lot to tell you. I had a bum christmas and new year, it was wicked! Peeny-man (my agent) said i should tell you bout all da charity work dat me done on my old estate (big up da larkmead estate peckum! boo-yah!). I went to da community centre, and i gave presents to all da kidz on da estate, check what i gave dem: Click here.
can you fink of anyting better? (except get rich or die trying by fiddy cent, obviously, innit?). You should have seen da lookz on their faces! priceless! I'll be honest, when i was driving back through da estate in my bentley i was finkin bout it, and it nearly brought a tear to my eye! i didnt cry though, i'm not bwatty! I also gave all my sparz and bredrin, my family and all my team-matez and colleaguez da same present too. They can all learn a lot from my book, how to rise from da ghetto to become da man i am today- a millionaire! bookah! bookah!
Anyway, we played burton all-bran da other day, at their ground- da punarny stadium! I never heard of dem, but Wes says he finks dey all work in a robbish clothes shop or suttin. I said "nah, can't we play armaneh town or suttin?!" I never played against burton all-bran, cos it was only da robbish playaz dat played. I seen their manager before da game and i bigged him up, I said "Yo Sir Brian Clough, you iz a legend!" and him say "nah, me iz nigel clough, innit? brian's my dad." I said "where he at then?" Nigel say "him dead." raas! i felt proper bwad, i said "What was it? drive-by?" He just walked off proper angry, saying "arsehole!" He must be well mad at da guy what shot his dad, I wouldnt be surprised if he did a revenge attack, believe!
We also played against Man City last week, we thought we would win cos normally dey iz proper robbish, but we never. It werent my fault though, I swear down! I fink we woz just spooked, cos all da man city fanz in da stadium woz a bit freaky, itz like da league of gentlemen over there, believe! Anyway, it woz Micky "Melonhead" Silverstar's fault dat we lost, he woz proper shit! Wes went mental after da game, he sayz to da gaffer- carlos, "Yo carlos, why did you never pick me? why did you pick melonhead and evra?" Carlos sayz "Because they can both speak french, innit?" Wes says "I can speak french!" Then wes walks up to Melonhead and Evra and sayz "Sacray Bler, youz guyz iz proper merde!" Then he grabz both their headz and bangz them together. Wes walks off turnz round and then sayz to evra "by da way, ja ma pel wes, innit?" Heverybody woz proper laughin!
I tell you what though, dat referee, mr bennett best watch if he ever findz himself walkin down a dark alley late at night on da larkmead estate, believe!
Now, a lot of headz have been asking me about wot dat sven gordon erickson said about me in da news of da world -robbish paper, read da sun, i love it, (send da cheque to da usual place guyz). Him say me lazy, i would chat macka about him back, but whatever, i cant be bothered!
Happarently he was calling wayne too, saying somefink about him being too ghetto fabulous, whatever, it dont matter, if it aint in MILF monthly, readerz grandma'z or barely alive magazine then wayne aint gonna read it!
Yo, i just heard a five-oh siren so i'm gonna have to jib! Ya get me?
laterz, yeah?
DATE: 30th January 2006
Rio's Diary - Munday 30th Janwerry 2K6
Ting-a-ling-ling, school bell ring, five pound fump a fump a dumpling, bwoyaka! bwoyaka! shabba rank king!
Yo, respect to all da 442 headz and man u massive out dere! wotsa gwarnin wid all me sick-arse mandemz? Any of you popped your cherry yet? coz heverybody knowz only virginz go on da intanet! believe! Yo, hope youz iz all havin a good time like wot i iz at da moment. Yo! i've got bare tingz to tell youz about! loadz a wicked tingz have happened recently: i found out one of my galz iz gonna graduate to becomin my baby-momma! respect! i scored da winner against liverpool! i knocked out robbie savage! and i played proper bum-good in midfield against da wolfz!
but all of dem iz nothing compared to da good newz dat i iz about to bust at you! check dis- 2pac iz still alive! i know! wicked, innit yeah? anton told me! he said his mate jemal's galz cousins step-brothers bredrin seen him playin sunday league down in hackney marshes! anton texted me to tell me during da liverpool game, datz how important it woz! luckily only peter crouch had da ball, so it didnt matter if i answerered my phone! it was deffo 2pac aswell, cos him even have da "FUGLIFE" tattoo on his belly! happarently, man like 2pac is waitin for da eastcoast/westcoast gangsta shit to blow over, den he iz gonna make a rio-style comeback! booyah!
Speakin a beef dough, it woz south-london against east-london yesterday when i done my midfield battle against man like paul ince: itz a lahdahn ting!! peckum against ilford, peckahz against ill-headz! seri-aye beef, believe! he woz robbish and i woz proper stush, so it werent even no contest in da end! But i woz a bit worried before da game, i said to wazza "Yo wazza, who we playin?" he said "wolfz," i said "dey aint real were-wolfz is dey, like in da film teen-wolf, and to a lesser extent da sequel film teen-wolf too?" he said dem woz! i'll be honest, you know me, i'm never scared, but i woz a lickle scared, coz wot if one of dem bite me a corner or suttin? nah, raaz! anyway, wayne only blagged me for about a hour, datz all. after he blagged me, i did da same blag on daz fletchah, not sure he believed it though. he did tell me a hinteresting fact though- happarently da word gullible aint even in da dicktionary no more. i guess it most be because it have to make way for da new more betterer wordz dat are comin live and direct from da street heveryday, like- flex, stoosh, bum, wicked, sick, ghetto-fabulous, merced-up, blatant, nine-bar, bwatty, hot, seri-aye, deliri-aye, gwarn, ruudbwoy, hennigan, etc. by da way, how do you write sucking your teefz, cos when you suck your teefz you aint even using wordz or nottin and yet somehow it sayz so much more dan wordz, ya get me?
Aswell as finkin of new wordz me also havin to be finkin of new namez, coz one of me gal iz up da duff and she gonna become my baby-momma!! i fink if its a bwoy me gonna call it either- dwaine, lil reo junior, champagne, big al, mookie, tony soprano, scarface, 2pac, dread, ragga (except datz already my dawgz name, so dat could be well confusing), shaggy, or suttin like dat. if itz a girl, (it wont be a girl) it might be called chantelle, or suttin proper french and classy, i dunno, i best have a look in one of micky silverstarz pornos just in case. wotever!
Oh yeah, we played against dem liverpool guyz da other day, and i scored da winner from a proper bum header in da lastest minute! bookah! bookah! i well cussed stevie G, i well shelled him up, believe! den he tried to say "wotever, we iz still european cup winnerz!" i said "wotever, you aint never gonna win da championz league!" dat well shut him up! GQ best dressed man of 2K5- 1, stevie G- 0! booyah! i asked gary neville "Yo gaz, how come mancz and scousez hate it each other so much? i cant tell da difference between dem, dey all sound da same to me!" anyway, when i regained consciousness about a hour later gaz woz givin me proper evils. So i asked him again, and he said "ey up our reo, itz a norvern fing!" or suttin like dat, wotever, yeah? i said "a northern ting? wot like peter kay or being poor?" i woz proper laughin for time, but den gaz got me in a headlock and wazza and smiteh jumped in and started givin me bare digz even though dey know i woz still proper sore after trainin. wotever, it bare hurt, but i didnt even cry or nuttin! shell! shell" shell!
anyway, i gotta jib, so keep it real my bredrin, keep it 442, believe! (like i said to man like fergie one time, ayee!)
bookah! bookah! peace!
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